Nostalgia and Nonsense

August 26, 2020/T&E

Todd and Eric stroll down memory lane, discussing the aesthetic of their childhood homes’ decor, but only after extensive discussions of facial hair and call center contests. Afterwards, they take a sharp turn into discussions of both jigsaw puzzles and organizing image files.

Read The Podcast: Nostalgia and Nonsense

Even through there were several interesting topics discussed, we will focus on one.

Beard Styles – Contests and Designs

Eric ran a contest for his team (and the entire company) back in the mid 2000s. At call-centers, employees tend to pass the time by coloring or doing word searches. Eric took the time to create the most ridiculous contest ever – A Beard Design and Coloring Contest.

The rules were simple.

  • Grab a blank coloring sheet – an outline of a head.
  • Use crayons, markers, pens, or pencils to design a beard.
  • Submit to Eric.

Voting would take place and awards would be given to different categories.

  • Best Overall Design
  • Most Creative
  • Best Use of Neck Hair
  • Best Use of Hair Dye.
  • Most Likely to Succeed.

There were several other categories, but it’s difficult to get that information 15 years later.

The Best Beard Styles

Eric managed to keep some of the best designs tucked away in a folder. We have photo evidence of some of the wonderful designs.

The Fanny Pack

Beard Styles - The Fanny Pack

We come in hot with a controversial product – The Fanny Pack.

This beard would take great amounts of Blue Dye. To get a deep fanny pack, you may need several months (depending on how well you grow whiskers on your chin). Be sure to shave the jawline so it doesn’t look like pants.

The Door

Beard Styles - The Door

If you have problems growing hair right under your nose, this might not be the best design for you. The door requires several months to grow out the full knob. Most individuals use wax or gel for the handle and pick out the knob.

This is a very popular beard style for locksmiths.

The Turtle Neck

Beard Styles - The Turtle Neck

The Turtle Neck is a very easy beard. Some like to just grow a beard and one day shave everything above the Adam’s Apple. Others might say this is cheating, but the official rulebook for Beard Design’s say it’s okay either way.

If you are unsure about designing your own beard style, this is a good one to start with.

The Hiding Fish Beard Style

Beard Styles - The Hiding Fish

The origins of The Hiding Fish are unknown. Some beard historians believe this was directly tied to Finding Nemo but we never received a definite answer from the creator.

This beard takes the use of green hair dye, orange contact lenses, and dreadlocks. This design might take over a year to fully perfect. It is also important that you have a good eyeliner so you can have three fishes on your face.

The Bear Trap

Beard Styles - The Bear Trap

If you liked the Turtle Neck, take it to the next level. The Bear Trap uses most of your neck hair and most of your chin strap. Be sure to have a nice sharp razor to get the defined points on the trap.

Although the image shows brown hair, this works really well with dark black hair, grey hair, and even your touch of grey.


Beard Styles - Railroad

The Railroad is a complex beard that only the most steady of hands can complete. Many professional beard growers give the advice to try a pencil thin mustache. If you can pull that off, keep the mustache’s going all the way down your face.

The Goal Post

Beard Styles - The Goal Post

Some might argue that the referee should throw a flag on this beard – but the play stands! This beard is actually making great use of dye and not a razor in place.

Grow out the fullest of beards and dye the goal post in yellow. Blondes have it easy and could potentially just buy a box of green. If you want to go with a Practice Field look, keep the sides brown.

The Octopus

Beard Styles - The Octopus

The Octopus was a crowd favorite and really came close to winning the Best Overall Beard Style. This design is very difficult and requires you to have really great beard ability. You must be able to grow a full beard on the upper and bottom lip.

You get bonus points if you paint eyes on your tounge.

The Reverse Eyebrows

Beard Styles - The Reverse Eyebrows

There really isn’t a reason why you can’t grow this beard. There are probably several individuals rocking this beard style right now – mostly because they were rushed while shaving and missed a few spots.

Be sure to take a real good look at your eyebrows and match the length and width. This should look like a mirror image.

A dangerous, yet bold move is to shave off the actual eyebrows.

The Priest – Best Beard Style Winner

Beard Styles - The Priest

The best was saved for last. The inspiration for the Beard Design Contest was likely because of The Priest. It might not be the most difficult to grow (see Turtle Neck) but it is very creative.

You don’t have to be a member of the church to pull off this wonderful design. In fact, all colors work well. Black hair might be the most authentic.

Be careful if you decide on this style. Random strangers might pull you aside and confess some of their darkest secrets. It’s best to practice your reaction before leaving the house.

Podcast Show Notes, References, and Links

This episode has been reminiscing since August 26, 2020.

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